Mostly, I never want to see him again.... however, I absolutely cannot wait to see him tomorrow. What gives? I do not know.

I want to be focused tomorrow. That is, I have actually thought about specific topics that I want to talk about. That is also part of the reason I'm writing this post-- to sort it out a bit.

I am going to tell him that sometimes he gets too complicated. And I understand this because he is similar to me in that way. When I try to explain something I tend to get overly intellectual/analytic about it and it can be difficult for anyone, except for me, to actually understand. He gets like that sometimes. One time I told him that sometimes I am very little in therapy, and can't comprehend when he speaks to me like that. When he called me after I sent him the MAJOR erotic transference email, I really didn't understand anything he was saying-- it wasn't that I was feeling like a little girl-- I just wasn't in the state of mind to understand concepts in that way-- I needed some validation, something simple and obvious (but not really to me) such as, "You're feelings will always be accepted in here." He just sort of went off on a deep tangent-- and I wasn't ready for it.

I want to tell him about a sexual experience that I had with my husband. I think it is significant because while it was enjoyable, I couldn't get that "connection" part of it. Like it was purely physical and nothing deeper than that. Hubby has been trying so hard lately, making so much of an effort. I want to explore why I feel like that during sex-- and I am sure that it is, in some way, related to some of my transference feelings towards T.

I want to tell him how I have been reading about erotic transference and I have an understanding of one aspect of its benefit, which is not even directly related to sexuality-- simply the concept of the therapist accepting the sexual feelings and admissions gives us even greater evidence that the therapist is not going anywhere-- he is here to stay, he is not going to run, he is not going to abandon. Although the non-reciprocation might feel rejecting, ulitimately, we are not rejected. We are sharing deep, vulnerable, (embarrassing!) feelings, and the therapist is here to stay.

I need to tell him that I SI'ed past the limit that we made the deal on (I had a really difficult week with some slip-ups). I will tell him this in the beginning of the session, in case he needs to kick me out. If that happens, I guess all of the aforementioned stuff will be null and void.

Of course, in order to tell him all of this I need to take down the wall and not be so %#@&#! mad at him. I left the last session by telling him, "screw you," and the phone conversation on the next day was way less than stellar. So if I'm going to say all of that stuff to him, I need to get un-mad... quickly. Cause when I'm mad at him, all I do is glare, hurl insults, use sarcasm, and refuse to cooperate (I am so mature, I know). So I have to soften up a bit if I want this session to be productive.

He will be suprised because I decided to start the Lamictal tonight. I feel myself cycling again and even though this is my 19th med, I actually do feel optimistic about it.

I want to hold his hand again, so badly. It has been a long time since I held his hand. I have been longing for that... to have that feeling of be grounded, taken care of-- completely non-sexual... to know that he is not afraid...