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I really didn't understand anything he was saying-- it wasn't that I was feeling like a little girl-- I just wasn't in the state of mind to understand concepts in that way

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This reminds me of myself. I once wrote in my journal about the different types of dissociation I experience and one is what I called a cognitive confusion. For me, it's an inability to "take in" anymore information because I have reached capacity--as if I am on intellectual overload.

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I will tell him this in the beginning of the session, in case he needs to kick me out

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I hope you can also tell him that you need to be there so the contract needs to be renegotiated. You are so brave. These slips are a sign of our vulnerability as people. Admitting them, and then trying to continue forward in good health is a big step. (((((pinksoil)))))).

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He will be suprised because I decided to start the Lamictal tonight. I feel myself cycling again and even though this is my 19th med, I actually do feel optimistic about it.

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I'm glad you are taking care of yourself. Good luck with the Lamictal.

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I want to hold his hand again, so badly. It has been a long time since I held his hand. I have been longing for that... to have that feeling of be grounded, taken care of-- completely non-sexual... to know that he is not afraid...

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Sigh. You remind me of a child who bravely goes out/forward into the playground a bit further than the time before and then comes back to check that mom is still there.

Your work inspires me. I hope you feel better. Take gentle care of yourself.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox