Hi sarah!
Having suidal ideations like that is never an anwer to whatever your going through. Thinking things like that will just complicate things and in the long run will just cause you pain. I think what you need is to let it all out. Disclosure or confiding of that guilt feelings you have to someone you trust will surely help. Being sadistic to yourself wherein youll punish yourself because you felt you have caused so much to others is not right. Keep safe always....