**Icon applied for very brief mention of cutting.

I hold a certain sense of concern, wonder, confusion surrounding how this whole integration process works and how to help myself in the best way I can. The last couple of days have been confusing at best.

In therapy on Thursday I had a bit of trouble connecting. I think on some level I was avoiding him because I am already worried about August vacation. That night I had a weird dream about driving in the snow and being stuck. Then yesterday morning and evening I felt very sort of revved up...with loads of random stuff popping through my exhausted mind. I listened to a relaxation tape that I use and for the first time in 2 years a positive image of my mother came up. She was hugging me in this fantasy. I think this was directly related to something T said in session that simultaneously felt good and reminded me of my mom (an extremely rare occurrence).

This morning I experienced a disappointment with a family member who never seems available to see me in person. I love her and she calls me almost daily but for the past year (or more) I have been trying to arrange a "date" and she always turns me down. The most recent was an attempt to visit her during vacation time and she said no again, that she would be busy with house work and visiting others. This really stings and feels like rejection. I cried after I picked up my messages and heard the latest turn down. You see, a part of me knows that once I am more on my feet it will mean less contact with her altogether. She has been a constant source of strength to me and my family through the past few years with my depression and sons' illnesses. She has supported me financially and emotionally.

After listening to her message, I cried and told DH that I felt rejected. I left a message for T about what happened but I said I didn't need him to call me back. (We have this arrangement where I can leave messages for him to listen to. I take advantage of this fairly frequently. Then I tried to settle into something (anything) but I couldn't, I felt very agitated. I had an intense urge to cut and, in fact, I did.

I thought about T and our relationship, and I decided to take a chance and call again. This time I asked for a half-session on the phone if he had time.

He called back and let me know his availability and a while after we had a phone session.
He said that it seemed as though the disappointment was difficult but real and it sounded like rejection to him too, but that perhaps I had reached the limitations of this relationship. (with her, not him)

I cried because IRL I have very few friends. This was not always true. I told that I felt as though I suck the life out of people, that they reject me because I ask for too much. He wondered if I had a history of asking for too much in relationships. I don't; I told him I had so few adult relationships that are meaningful. He said he wants me to develop friendships. I told him he was very ambitious. He said that it's hard when we are adults to form friendships, but it is important to do so. I told him about the cutting and said it was just a tiny cut and that I decided to call him and make contact instead of continuing. He said that was pretty good! Then he said something blah blah blah about my emerging self and how there was the cutting part, etc., etc.

I asked him how to move forward without denying those parts of myself. He said that I was already doing it by calling him, talking about the feelings of rejection and connecting with H as a means of support. I have no clue what else he said but it sure sounded good at the time!

I told him I was already worried about his vacation and in particular, worried about the potential for rupture afterward and he asked me what I needed. So, I have to think about that because I am not sure. Wow, it's a lot, isn't it?