What's it been like for me being DID?

As far as I understand how it works for me, there wasn't a whole lot of switching going on unless there was danger/abuse going on. Otherwise it seems like the hosts kept changing over the years as life situations changed.

One alter was host during my messed up marriage at 17 until the strongest one,Jinx, had had enough and put together an escape.

Whoever she assigned to seek that escape latched on to another man and away we went. I know of several who dealt with #2 until again a stronger alter had enough and the submissive one had to take a backseat while again another arranged to get away.

The next three years from 74-77 I had an interesting time. Jinx enrolled us in school and got great grades for us. Angelina was out partying on the week-ends, while another one did the whole religious/church thing on Sunday. The different aspects of my life were kept VERY seperate. The people I met along the way never crossed paths so very different actions and beliefs went un-noticed. I have very vague memories of this time. I had three little kids at that time and learned that Mama Jude took care of them.

I met a man at church and married and moved to the west coast and I'm really foggy on many of those years. I'm sure Mama Jude took care of the kids, Judith did her church thing, and Judy #? acted appropriately.

There was a move back to the mid-west, 2 years there, a move back to west coast in 81.

Things got out of control in 86 when one of my kids got in trouble at high school and the family was ordered to therapy. Whatever programming was in place to hide the system, hide the abuse, and Do Not Tell, kicked in and things got slowly crazier.

One of my kids revealed abuse that had been going on and I threw my husband out and the therapy increased and the chaos increased. People around me could certainly tell something was wrong but with so much going on in the family it was chalked up to that. I ended up in the pysch ward three times before the diagnosis was made.

My family of origin had disowned me at 16, and perhaps the system has kept my world small purposely. Few if any friends. My husbands were highly disfunctional and more focused on themselves so detecting my problem was easier to miss?

My system was very good at flying under the radar! Certain situations would bring out help if needed. Some certainly had their fields of expertise. Jynx dealt with the intellectual/practical, Angelina social situations and shopping. Judith the spiritual stuff. Lily the protection/system watch duties. And on and on. I know I'm not the same host that lived in another city a few years ago. I have the memories, well most of them, but no connection to the people back there.

I sometimes feel like we re-create ourselves with every life change. In therapy over a 9 year period we broke through the do not tell barriers and the programming and had a lot of integration. But they were able to choose to integrate or not and the strongest ones chose not to and we were good with that.

I'm the host now, Judee #?, on my own most of the time. Although just last night something angered one of them and I could feel her rage and had a hard time hiding it in a social setting. But we journaled about it and I understand the upset.

We are not functioning under the do not tell rule but we choose to stay quiet about our history, our diagnosis, because of the ignorance in the world towards what isn't understood. We choose peace.

This is soooo very long but hopefully you get a sense of what we are about?

I have barely touched the surface of all we have done or who we are but I hope it helps.

Judee and company