Hi Sunrise,

Yes, I know that theory. It doesn't fit in my case. That's what I mean about there being so many permutations of it. My husband is very different to my father, with whom I've always had a very difficult relationship. In fact, I think I became like the worst of my father and mother rolled into one, for a while last year. What exactly brought on those stresses at the seams of my gaffer-taped up self is what I've been trying to figure out. But maybe I've been looking at the wrong end of the problem; the result more than the causes. At my most unbalanced times I had visions of each of my parents float up before me unbidden. I hated it! My father's need to control with force and my mother's passive agressive, depressive self.

Jesus, I've been working very very hard to keep myself together, to keep my public face on straight, and the contortions I went through last year just to avoid admitting I was weak and in pain were quite amazing.

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sunrise said:
For me, knowing something rationally/cognitively doesn't really promote healing. I could think all the stuff I wanted, but I needed to get to my emotions and feelings to really deal with this.

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That is so true. I am a little afraid now. Afraid that I've come back to something yet again that I've tried to avoid for a long time, afraid that it will result in my caving in somehow. I've been trying to think and rationalise my way through, or PAST this, for years. I might have to end up actually FEELING it. I don't know what that will mean and I'm worried that I won't be able to handle it. Giving up all control like that.

This must be what people mean when they talk about trusting their therapist. Trusting them to not let you fall apart.