So I went to therapy this week feeling so depressed I could not talk. Could barely move, think, breathe. I was sad, weepy, very withdrawn and not wanting to emerge.

Once before this happened and T talked and I was able to get out of it and it was okay. I appreaciated it. This time I just wanted to be there and not talk. And that would be okay with her, according to a discussion about this at a previous session. But I couldn't say that's what I wanted. I wasn't wanting her to guess, I just couldn't say it.

So she talked and I responded some; I could not seem to get my brain to work or the thoughts from my brain to my voice. I keep wanting to write here that she kept saying all the wrong things. She didn't but it felt like she was I think because I couldn't take in what she was saying very well. I tried to let the silences happen but she didn't let them happen. Every time she spoke it was like she was 'interrupting' my silence.

She said I see the part of me that is there, prominent in the moment, but I can't see the whole of me, all the parts as one. (I'm becoming able to see how I do this with others, learning I can strongly dislike one part (or more than one part) of a person but care about that person overall. I don't have to choose how I feel, I feel like and dislike both about the same person. I don't have to think about pushing that person away because this is okay to have ambivalent feelings, it's how things work.) And she said that I am hard on myself and unforgiving. (Recent financial disaster after accidentally paying my car payment twice online. I have been open with others about this, instead of burying it with shame as I normally would do, and I've been amazed at the people who have said they have done this too, and even recently--people who I thought were much smarter, more adult, more responsible than me).

She said I give her a run for her money because I read a lot; she gave an example that I can't remember, saying "Most people wouldn't know that, you realize?." (I worry she will say I'm not smart enough for therapy). She said I am smart.... but I don't do anything with it. She means that I am very solitary, I don't share much, that I could share by joining a book club for example. And that really ticked me off. I've already asked to her not push me to be social because my history includes frustration about way too much of that; pushing but no help otherwise for an extremely shy, introverted, anxious, hearing impaired little girl. Just pushing and criticizing and blaming. I know her mere comment wasn't *pushing* but it feels like it and it feels blaming and criticizing too. I began to feel angry. I was already getting angry because she was talking so much, and going too fast for my sluggishly moving brain. I had no energy for the anger and it felt wrong, unjustified and out of proportion. I could only stuff all thoughts about it. Besides anger disturbs me and scares me; I'm afraid I'll just explode right there in the room, destructively sweeping those shelves clear of the toys, clearing every other surface until there's nothing left, raging until I collapse. I can't let a piece of it out for fear it will all come out. Because then T will see that part of me. And she will be done with me and I will lose her.