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ECHOES said:
Besides anger disturbs me and scares me; I'm afraid I'll just explode right there in the room, destructively sweeping those shelves clear of the toys, clearing every other surface until there's nothing left, raging until I collapse. I can't let a piece of it out for fear it will all come out.

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Echo, I know how that feels! My problem isn't with anger, I have no trouble getting angry and showing it, because it's a more comfortable emotion than the pain that's underneath it. The pain is the part I have to hide at all costs. It's really about what those things mean to us, isn't it? Anger to me is healthy, the beginning of a dialogue rather than the end. It shows there are strong feelings there that need to be unravelled and given air. Well, in an ideal situation that's how it would work.

I'm afraid that quite often I've used it to hide behind. Hide the real stuff. Let myself get insanely angry in the HOPE that the other person would be 'wise' enough to see what was behind it and reach in there and gently take the right stuff out. Because I was, am, too scared of rejection and loss of the other to express the sadness and pain in simple words. To ask for help.

Anger, for me, is easy because it can be so easily confused with having power. I think that if I drop that defense and people see the weak, helpless part of me they will turn away in disgust. The weak part of me is the part I have to dole out carefully, drop by drop, controlling the faucet in case it comes out in a gush and sweeps away everything else. The more I am hurt, the more tense is the hand on the faucet.

I'm sorry things were that tough for you in that session. I wish I could say something else.