I feel your pain.

It's a very common thing, you know that right? I think it happens more often than not with a T. It’s natural.

It hit me really, really, hard. It was horrible--for a long time. Lonely. It consumed my thoughts for long time. I can’t begin to explain the pain and inability to stop the thoughts just by willpower despite my desire to.

My T told me she had fallen for her own T. Still, it is a unique, personal experience.

I also admired my T in many ways.

A big part of why it was hard was because I was young and didn’t feel like a “peer” of sorts re: age, education, $, life experiences, relationships. I hadn’t had a girlfriend, and didn’t have any potential ones around, and the feelings for her kind of filled that space. I felt like I was so out of her league that she’d laugh at me if I told her how I felt. Of course, knowing that as a professional relationship nothing would come of it. Any--if there is any--sexual side of it can be hellish to cope with. It sounds like you also admire her as a role model of sorts in addition to the other stuff, so you have multiple levels going on.

She won't terminate you--I'm sure. She's seen it before, and I'm sure she's used to it. I would be surprised if she doesn't already know--anyways--but from what you said previously you're partway there to telling her.

It can only help your relationship to tell her. There's a lot of meaning to be found in your feelings for your T. I'm sure others here can give you some more technical comments on the dynamics of therapy and transference. I'm also sure that many others here have been there. It's good to share your thoughts like you have. Email me if you want since I know what it’s like being a young guy dealing with it with an older F therapist. It's a very, very scary thing to go through.