since my post where i said my psychotic stuff was coming back.... it has come back. i hear voices and i see all these weird things again. and i wonder "what is wrong with me?" and i'm not exactly sure how much longer i can take, i mean hide this.

i have an appointment with the psych nurse on tuesday, i don't know if i can hide this, i'm afraid of everything..

sometimes i think i want to go back to the psych ward to just sleep and write. i can't stand being with myself, i'm anxious 95% of the time. i feel like i have died and now my shell just functions. (but hospital costs and they have to find out what is wrong with me and i don't want to know) - maybe i just won't go... but..

i'm going to have to go see my boyfriend's dad next week. see his stepsiblings and stepmom too and his friends and go to a rave. an awful lot of social activity. so i need to go the psych nurse so i can see a psychiatrist and get some tranquilizers.

tho i donno if i want to be all doped up when i meet his dad for the 1st time (his parents are divorced, he rarely sees his dad) so this is very important. i'm not sure if i'm in a bad enough condition to refuse to go because i have social anxiety and i might be exaggerating.

all i want is to sleep and while i have to be awake i want to write and paint. maybe i don't want to paint because i seem to paint very scary things. and i can't really control myself. and i feel like everywhere everything is pushgin me to the border, to the border where i have to choose whether i want to live or die and i'm not sure what i would choose...

also i can't listen to music (i feel like they are "planting" feelings in me, pushing me back to loving my ex-bf and can't because we both are in relationships) or watch tv or listen to the radio. i have no idea where everything is, i'm a mess in my opinion but i don't know if i'm exaggerating.

crap, i think it took me almost two hours to write this =(

if anyone has any suggestions they're ok.. even if it's "go and down x bottles of benzos" thats ok, i won't promise i will act on that tho but its ok.

i need to have this fixed before september.