I don't know how to break out of it. This inability I have to be human even, around my husband. From whom I'm separated. I had my first therapy session last week and felt a slight softening of myself, a little tiny lowering of my defenses, memories came back to me, things I wanted to share. But I just spent 4 hours in his company and could barely speak. The tough part of me was tough and the rest, all icky with pain and fear, shut up behind a big wall where no hatchet could get through.

Sometimes I hate myself so much.