The image that is stuck in my head of what I want to do is very graphic and extreme and can't be posted. I really want to do it. And I've been fighting an urge to write T and tell her I don't care about not cutting, and ask if it really matters, but if I do that then that will automatically be the topic for the next session, and I don't know that I want it to be.

There is too much rejection right now, and nothing seems to be able to really counter it.