why do the emotions of those we love have to affect us so much I know he'll be okay, his heart stopped one of the nights he was in hospital, but he's doing better now... still so worried about him. shouldn't be complaining, shouldn't be a sook, I'm used to never being taken care of. I feel like a hypocrite because I tell people it's okay to be sad, but when I see it in myself, I feel worse. guess it's the kind of childhood I had, where sadness equaled weakness and anger equaled strength, but I've been trying to be less angry at life lately, I just feel so... crushed. I count down the days until bf is out of hospital, when it'll be up to me to look after him again, he knows that.

just for once, I almost want to be taken care of, but then I see the independent streak in me. it was, in a way, my life-line when I was younger, but now I can never see if it's good or bad. I don't feel tough or strong when I'm sad.

ahh, I barely know what I'm saying now