a touch intensive weekend. Its left me with very mixed feelings. I had done a lot of breathing/relaxation prep work and focused repeatedly on the context in which this experience was being done (professional vs. private encounter) and it paid off. I did not loose it or freak out and draw attention to myself. It was very uncomfortable but not totally intolerable. I even was able to allow myself at times to just accept and experience the touch sensations without being overcome by my mental intrusions. I could only do this in brief intervals before my mind it quickly filled again with mental noise. I also realized that at lot of my problems are linked but only partially to my past. This part I can manage in a work related environment.

I'm happy with myself for not running away and avoiding this situation. Yet I am also feeling really sad. In those few moment when I was able to clear my head, I realized a small fraction of what I've am missing in my private life.