Tomorrow I have my second appt. with my new T. I realized tonight that since he really needs to understand me (I feel that this is not working really well), I would make copies of my current resume - to see how others perceive me - and then I went looking for my old poetry here.

It terrified and triggered me terribly. I had forgotten the pain, the anguish I felt 3-4 years ago and how much I used to beg for death and self injure.

What was worse tonight, was that the pain is still there, but I have stopped expressing it. I am like an automated machine, going through life without being able to release my stress. What happened to me? How and why did I stop doing this? I had major flashbacks from that poetry.....I can still see the red and the hospital stays. How did I block all this and still function?

I am in a lot of turmoil and frustration now. I have to be able to let go of these sensations, but I can't.

Now what?

Mary Alice