Darrel, the only two times that I am aware of being sharp with you was what started this thread and my last post to you. I meant to be sharp! I've apologized somewhat for the first time. At this exact second, this particular point in time, I don't feel I need to apologize for the second time. It's normal to get angry when you feel someone has called you stupid. You didn't do it in so many words, but the feelings and the outcome were the same. (more on this later)

If I have been sharp with you other times, I need to know about it so that I can go back, re-read my words, repharse them in an effort to explain what I meant and then sincerely apologize to you. It would do us and the rest of our readers a disservice if we didn't clarify ourselves and just let something drop. Yes, everyone is your teacher. You and I aren't the only ones gaining something from this. Who knows how many on this board are reading what we post, besides the ones who have had the courage to admit they have visited and better still, had some input. We owe it to them and to ourselves to be clear, concise and direct, don't you think?

I'm sorry if I have come across in a defensive manner to you. That has not been my intention. I've been trying very hard to understand you and where you are coming from and the work you are doing. I'm sorry that I thought your dragon was a personal demon. I understood it that way because I've been taught that Depression Is Anger Turned Inward, therefore becoming something personal/internal.

I'm not exactly sure to what extent I have my own depression under control. That was one of the things I've been trying to figure out; how much of my inaction is due to depression and how much of it is due to past programming (you're too stupid to amount to anything). I thought you were aware of that.

At this very moment, it's beginning to dawn on me that we both feel invalidated. Something worth exploring, either together or on our own.

I know why I always feel invalidated. My mother never believed anything I told her. My needs didn't matter. She had her own ideas of what my needs "should" be... In short, I didn't have a voice. That's why I used to be a screamer, that's why I had to have it my way or no way. Maybe I still have some of those character flaws but "I sure as Hell ain't what I used to be!!" I don't expect you to recognize it because you don't know me. My problem. A problem I'm still trying to overcome. When I complain to my husband that my back hurts, or that my knees hurt, or that I just plain don't feel good, no matter what he says or doesn't say, I know that he doesn't believe me... either that, or he just doesn't care. That goes for my kids, too. Why the heck should I care whether they believe me or not?? I know that I'm in pain and it's my responsibility to act accordingly. Again, that's a product of not being validated when I was growing up.

Speaking strictly for myself, depression for me is not just from the conflicts in my life. It's inherited as well as the anxiety. The events in my life sure haven't helped it, though!

My reason for referring you back to Wendy's post is that I'm afraid that you are worrying too much about external things, afraid you may be wanting to take on more than you can handle. I don't want you to sabotage yourself and your good intentions by overwhelming yourself. The "baby steps" theory has been proven to work with me. "Slow and sure wins the race." I'd rather plod along slowly but surely than to run around like the hare and wind up loosing. (losing? oh, well) I can see now that maybe I was way off on where you are with that. Like I said, maybe we're dealing in apples and oranges. My struggle is internal and yours is external.

I know I've missed some points here. Maybe I'll get back to them later. I haven't given up. I have faith that we can work out our differences. They were expected.

I admire your courage to keep coming back, Darrel, and I admire your patience and kindness. Thank you!

In the writing classes I've taken in college, it was said that it's a gross mistake to start a paragraph with "I." My sincere apologies. Wonder what an English professor say if a psychologist told him that when resolving an issue between two people, "I statements" are best because if you start a sentence with "you", you immediately put the other person on the defensive??


<font color=blue>This above all: To thine own self be true. --Shakespeare</font color=blue>