this, in fact, is something i myself have been looking at for a number of months. its almost like i am staring down the barrel of a gun, but its really hard to tell who is on the other end of it at times..... it almost feels like my wife is holding it against my will.... but when i examine the actual situation it almost feels as if i am the one holding the gun against myself......

here's ANOTHER can of worms.....

my name isnt on the house.... and neither of the kids are mine..... as a matter of fact there is VERY LITTLE holding me there as far as physical accomplishment is concerned.

But i look at the fact that her previous marriage was something that looked like the 7th circle of hell, her ex is even less of a father.

I'm kind of the glue holding it all together even though she would never admit it, and her BPD makes it at times almost impossible to be reasonable with. I try to bring a lot of stability to the family with a steady job, some decent morals (i hope) and standards that i really try to stand next to.......

somewhere through it all i have a very deep sense of commitment...... if i can call it that. i have a deep hope that i will get the person back that i married with enough patience and time. i feel as though it would be weak of me to quit ...... in fact that i would be the lesser person... even less than her (which is pretty mean in all aspects considering her condition - i'm not LITERALLY calling her weak... but its the best way to express it)

i relate it to abandoning a child who has no 'tools' (mental/physical) to provide for itself if a responsible party were not present.

HOWEVER - there are exceptions to this..... (which is pretty hard to draw a definate line in the sand.... SO MUCH has happened.. ugly arguements..... flip-flop behavior.... cheating.... financial abuse..... etc)

1 - i have laid down a 'this is it' ultimatum. i also have watched my own self worth swirl down the toilet as i try to pick it back out. i can't sit around and wait and hope for it to get better as she destroys our relationsip with infidelity and other wrecklesss behavior. i told her that if she wants this as bad as she says she does.... and begs me not to go..... the she has the chance to prove that she does. otherwise its a double-edged sword..... my unhappy/anger/unhealthy views brought about by all the situation DO NOT help anyone.... even us. all the counseling in the world is NOT going to help anyone if no one is willing to put forth the effort to make the change.

2 - I WANT MORE THAN ANYTHING to make this work. trust me when i say that i am not just taking it lightly or throwing in the towel. BUT...... the first person i need to worry about is myself. if i can't take care of myself (because no one else is) whats the point? if my self worth is constantly attacked, and i an whittled down to an emotional level no higher than my own wife... how can i support or be any kid of stable example to the children OR my wife?

3 - my job is suffering. this is absolutley UNACCEPTABLE. i LOVE LOVE LOVE what i do for a living. its what i always wanted and the feeling of accomplishment is what is keeping me going. but i am finding out that i am slowly loosing the filter between home/work and my whittled emotional state as well as energy is killing my performance.... plus putting people at risk. this makes for a very short or disappointing future... especially as i am attempting to go back to school and finish my degree. yes, sometimes you have to settle in your job to take care of people... but we are barely scraping by..... i have to be able to provide monetarily in order to help with stability.... its a necessary evil.

and in all of this i don't think i have mentioned on time that i love my wife or the kids. which is actually pretty sad when it comes down to it.

people anymore consider what each person brings to the table when marriage is contracted. once the other person faulters in their half of the 'contract' its almost as if it is automatically recinded in some kind of legal breach of contract. they don't consider what THEY bring to the relationship in terms of commitment and follow-thru in order to accomplish THEIR dreams and goals. its very self-ish and a need oriented establishment anymore. IMHO