can i somehow rationalise this?

i dated "b" in 2005. i had a serious crush on him in august 2004. four frickin years ago. sorry, i'm just emo like that. anyway. i was 16. he was 17. i idolised him i guess. he started dating a girl soon after we started talking. then months later i was on aim (messenger sorta thing) and he messaged me and gave me craploads of attention for about ten days but i refused him because i was "in love" with someone who didn't respond to my feelings but i loved them anyway.

later, january 2005, i had given up this emotionless cruel clod and i was out with my friend and i realised that i was starting to like "b" again. and somehow we ended up dating. i have no clear picture of this time but it did leave amark on my heart. i remember we would sit for hours planning how we would run away together. far away from here.

i sure hope he's not a member of this site...

then suddenly things between us started to die. he stopped giving me attention gradually. and then one day he said he had someone else. we were together for maybe two months but i've never had a relationship as intense as that. i kept comparing everyone i've dated to him. and i started dating my current partner because he looked like b, kinda.

in 2006 i found out b has adhd. in this course of four years, he has probably had one stable relationship. it lasted for about a year i think. we're friends on myspace, that's why i know. they broke up in april. now b is seeing a girl he met in mid-june. i care too much....

i don't know why i care so much! it took me over a year to get over him, to start actually caring about other people. and when i found my darling, i thought i was completely over b. he's different than b, he's an introvert, b is open with everyone and talks and talks and talks. and b is more obvious. with my darling i have to ask him what he means. but he's stable. i know he would never let me down... and i could never be sure about b. maybe he got bored with me or something.

my darling says that he wants to be with me, he wants to move in with me, that if i want to get married, it's ok but he doesn't think it's important, he says we can think about kids when it's time, when we have enough financial and mental resources...

and all this happened when our 1 year anniversary had passed. i'm in a rather poor condition but i have to get away from here. but i'm not sure if that is a good thing because i still have feelings for b... apparently.. i keep listening to these songs and i associate them with b. it's crazy.

i don't want to feel this way...

i found out about these feelings when i talked to b on the 22nd. online. i wouldn't dare to meet him face to face. we haven't talked in over a year. except sent a few messages on myspace. and then he says something stupid like "you should come over". and he calls me what he used to call me when we dated.

GAHD. he has _someone else_. and so do i. and i love my man more than anything. i know he is worth much more than i can currently give. and i want to hold on to him as long as i can.

b is a big part of my past. he's been in my thoughts for four years and i don't know how i can erase all those thoughts. even if i erase them, i have a few alters who care about him very deeply.

kinda like i used to take care of small injured birds when i was a kid. and i wanted to keep them but i knew that i couldn't, and i let them go and was very sad.

i don't particularly want to be with b... i just want to spy him and look at his pictures...

i can't stand human contact right now. but i miss my man and i miss having him hold me and... i don't know.

maybe b is some kind of a substitute for a relationship because my darling is 50 miles away from me? and i said i can't stand people right now, they make me anxious.

and for a long time this "screen relationship" with b was my substitute for a relationship. maybe i'm falling back to those ways now that i'm alone.

i don't know... i just don't want to fall in love with b... because we're messaging on myspace now. and every now and then talking on aim.. and he lives in some place even i don't know.

i don't know... maybe i'll delete this. go and have a laugh at me. i knew it was calf love all along.