(((((((((((gary)))))))) i wish i knew what to say to you...i lost my best friend a year ago jan..she was 27..i too carry blame..all i can say to you is something i am trying to learn myself..this is not our fault..are you in therapy?? i do know slowly in therapy i am learning different things..and seeing things different..even some of the dreams of her are changing..sometimes i dream of happy memoeries now of the two of us..all i can say i guess is talk to someone who can help you with this..and know your not alone in the feeling you have....