I think this goes to the intent of the rejecting partner. If the intent is to control via the inflicting of punishment, then that may simply be controlling behavior which is a problem in and of itself.

For me, an example would be that in the context of an "intimate" relationship there is the expectation of s*x. You have contracted to meet each other's s*xual needs *(and no, this does NOT give hubbie the right to r*pe the wife but . . . )

Ok, so you have this contract and you negotiate it between yourselves. he demands daily s*x. You aren't in the mood but once every 2 weeks. You "reject" his advances because you feel uncomfortable, don't have the desire, are too tired, whatever. This is appropriate. In theory, he should be respecting your wishes becuase it is in his best interest to have you feeling good about yourself so that when you are in the mood, then the experience is mutually agreed upon and pleasurable.

Now if, on the other hand, you (wife) decide to reject his advances because you really are manipulating the situation to your own ends for your own gains; you want to punish him for something -- ok, that's a different story.

Reflecting it back on the other end of the issue, if he rejects YOUR advances because he's pissed that you don't come across with the goods often enough and he's using it to punish you and to modify yrou behavior, then we're IMHO, at the borderline for abusive. If it comes with a heavy emotoin load of guilt for your "bad" behavior then yeah, that's emotionally abusive IMHO.

Back to rejection.

So maybe you feel very vulnerable and needy and you go to hubbie and ask for a "hug" but he rejects you because he feels the need to punish you for not correctly washing the dishes . . . I'd call that kind of rejection abusive.

In my mind, it goes to the intent of the abuser. Are they aware and manipulating and controlling?