[sigh] Knew it was coming......the total wreckage of being in a good mood. It started out ok - got the news that the other job is still mine, so after Alex went to school I hustled out the door to go take the drug test.

Got there fairly early, did what I needed to do, and then had time before my pdoc appt. Soooooo, I decided to go to the other job, bring in my stuff and quit. This is something new for me - I avoid conflict like the plague and usually try to shove off doing stuff like that in person by making my husband deliver a note from me. But I went in and did it - they were completely rude to me. No problem telling them after that kind of reception.

Went to my pdoc and he is putting me on Effexor (?) three times a day. Told me how worried about me he had been last week when he saw me and that he and my T are in close contact. Filled the prescrip. and went to see my T.

Things were different today with him.......almost like a fence was up between us. It was all complete business today, "focus on this", etc.........and then he comes up with the idea of also having me go to group therapy plus see him. I sat there and listened to his "reasons" for wanting me to go (more ppl like myself, see how other ppl handle things, etc.) and all I could do was sit there and get totally angry. It felt like he was, as he said, "trying to get me well faster".........for what? to dump me and say good riddance after 2 1/2 years? There is no way that I am going to talk in front of a group of people about my feelings........not even on a good day. He asked me if I would go just to sit in and observe, not necessarily participate. As I told him, if he was asking me to do it for HIM, yes I would go once.........for my sake, no way.

Now, I'm going on the waiting list to get in to this thing and I feel completely manuevered into it, and I hate it. It's like the same thing..........it doesn't matter what YOU want to do, it's good for you. Yea right.

I told him about quitting the job and explained the new one to him - it is in restaurant management vs. retail. Today our session did not feel right - course he said he knew who he was talking to today - the unemotional me.

Then I knew I had to tell Alex about me being gone - total collision there. He cried so hard it really hurt me.......he is so upset with me that he doesn't want to discuss it, says I'm not going anywhere, and will hardly talk to me at all. Half of this evening I ended up in tears, wishing I was back at the hospital. I helped him with his homework and he kept his back to me the whole time and ignored me. I explained that I would be home 2 days a week, call every night, send him email, that he can call my cell whenever he wants and leave me a message, etc.........that I didn't want to go but had to for a job - none of it mattered.

He has completely turned from me - and it hurts so much that I wish things had been different last week with the ending. His little eyes were so red, so bloodshot from crying......omg, it nearly destroyed me. It feels like a knife is in my heart being twisted. My husband, in his infinite wisdom said, "he'll get over it". WOW........

He made me a card with hearts on it and wrote "I'm sorry" on it, but he still won't talk to me really. This just jumped my stress level so high........talk about feeling alone.

I leave Tues. and from now till then will be horrible if this continues. I rescheduled my appt with my T on Monday, same day as my follow up for surgery.

My T asked me if I would be fine till I see him next or if I'll do anything to myself. Right now, considering our session, I don't want to call him - feels like I would be "bothering" him.

:::::::::::::::::trying to pull the grate off my hole desperately:::::::::::

Mary Alice