i am seriously afraid to go to T today. Last week he was so gentle and so good with me... it really touched me... but when i saw him Tuesday i was really out of it. A series of bad events happened (again.. how much can one person take?) and i had to miss a couple med doses. i was really unfocused, scared, spacey and not myself. i was blank.. i didn't know what to talk about.. i was drifting and he let me drift. i didn't and don't understand. Why would he do that? i was obviously floundering... and i kept saying i felt pressured and frustrated, like i needed to talk about something and couldn't.. like i couldn't connect and articulate. i was distressed about this. Why didn't he step in and help direct or guide me? Isn't that what he is for?

i feel like i wasted $140 that i cannot afford to waste. i don't feel mad at him about that part.. i feel like I wasted the session. i'm conflicted, on one hand i don't understand why he let me sort of drown.. and on the other i feel responsible too.

so today i am afraid... afraid of wasting money, wasting his time. i am afraid of going blank and being disconnected. And.. to be honest, i feel afraid of him. i'm not sure about that last part.. why i mean. i just am.

In order to step back, regain my footing and stand on my own, in the face of all the life events recently, i have had to really pull in and erect walls - strong ones. i feel the need to push hard against everyone and everything. How can i maintain attachment and work with him if i feel afraid of him and like he has to be pushed away?

i don't know what to do.

any ideas appreciated. i need feedback.

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Today's affirmations:

Every day, think as you wake up,
today I am fortunate to be alive,
I have a precious human life,
I am not going to waste it.
I am going to use all my energies to develop myself,
to expand my heart out to others;
to achieve enlightenment for the benefit of all beings.
I am going to have kind thoughts towards others,
I am not going to get angry or think badly about others.
I am going to benefit others as much as I can.

As human beings we all want to be happy and free from misery… we have learned that the key to happiness is inner peace. The greatest obstacles to inner peace are disturbing emotions such as anger, attachment, fear and suspicion, while love and compassion and a sense of universal responsibility are the sources of peace and happiness.

- His Holiness, the 14th Dalai Lama

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