Breakdown. Im going through exactly the same situation.

The first time I realised I had to quit was when I saw the pain in his face when I had a really bad relapse one night, He cried so hard. I know he doesnt really understand it, but that doesnt matter. He's there for me. He sticks by me through it, and not alot of people would do that.

And therefore I knew I had to give something back. At the end of the day, the more I hurt myself, the more I hurt him too. I didnt want to be the reason for his pain.

So I quit. It was so hard. I didnt even do it for me, I used him as my reason.

After 40 days, I relapsed. It was driving me mad, I constantly thought about it every second of the day and it just became too much for me. But It was different this time though, this time I didnt feel the relief you normally get from it. I just felt guilt. And trust me, it was one of the most horrifying feelings ever. I was crying for days, I wouldnt let my bf see me for days because I was so ashamed I was ashamed to tell him. I couldnt eat and I couldnt sleep. I thought he was going to leave me.

He didnt. We had a talk about it.. But I could see how upset he was about it, so now, this is my second time around. Everytime I feel the urges, I just keep the feeling of guilt and unpleasentness with me that I felt that day.

Im now twelve weeks free - from doing it every week or so. Thats almost three months, and I am so proud of myself.
Do I want to quit? A huge chunk of me doesnt seem to think so. Does it get harder everyday? Too right, but I know that one day it WILL get easier, and thats what Im aiming for. I know if I cut now, i will struggle even more. Maybe I did need that one little relapse to push me to get here?

Right now, i say that I am doing this for him. But I know that there will come a time when I will realise that I am also doing this for me. Trust me hun, it will be worth it in the end, I know it. Keep holding on hun, try not to think about it as much as you can and keep your head up

take care, meg - x