"In order to step back, regain my footing and stand on my own, in the face of all the life events recently, i have had to really pull in and erect walls - strong ones. i feel the need to push hard against everyone and everything. How can i maintain attachment and work with him if i feel afraid of him and like he has to be pushed away? "

right there with you - but in regards to MD on monday.
maybe we are all going through this s*** together...? Does that help to think it is a humanity phase and not just you? no probably not - because it will be just you and T. TOday. I hope it goes ok.