I think you are very wise, and not at all over-reacting. If something does not feel right, listen to your gut.

The idea of getting a sex toy is not a bad idea...IF...it is something that YOU want to do. I would go and buy one for yourself if you want to try it out. It can even be your secret. Empower yourself by making that decision based on what you need. IMHO, the idea of him buying it for you would not be healing.

I see warning signs too. The guy may have very good intentions, but he may not know what you need. Recovering from rape is a lot different than recovering from a war.

Contact your local rape crises center, and talk to them about counseling. It can be very healing and helpful to talk to other people who really understand what you are going through.

Most importantly -- keep listening to that gut!!!