Okay, I think I'm going to go to T tomorrow and just be totally honest about how "not present" I feel. I'm always scared to go into too much detail. I know I kind of "check out" in session, I don't know how often, and I have told him of some of my experiences outside of therapy, but in general, I'm kind of scared to talk about it. Scared of sounding "too crazy" maybe, or scared about what he'll say, or....just scared!

But I was thinking tonight about how bad it's been lately. I can't remember so much of my days these days - and what I do remember is kind of like remembering a dream - where there are these separate details, and I strain to fill in the blanks around them, and I just can't.

There's more. A lot more. But I don't know how to explain it in a short post. I wrote a LONG letter to him that I'm going to bring tomorrow and I'm just going to give it to him and see what happens.

I guess part of why I'm scared is because I'm afraid he won't be able to help me. You know, it seems like I had a kind of balance worked out for so many years, where I knew I wasn't "all there" a lot of the time, but it didn't really matter. But when I finally fell apart enough to have to seek therapy - and now with the intensity of therapy and the things that come up in there - it's like my balance is all thrown off and I can't find my footing again.

Blah. Wish me luck. I guess I'm not totally sure I'm going to go through with it. But I'm going to try.

Or maybe not.

Should I? I have so much other stuff going on. Maybe it's not the time.