i went. i told him almost immediately. We talked about what i felt and why i thought that was.. what i felt he could have done differently. At first he said he didn't know he could have done anything differently, but then he corrected himself and said that there was, but he chose not to bc he felt it really wasn't the time. He said he felt i was just not able to handle more than i did... and we talked about how pressured i had felt.

but then the most amazing session i think i have had happened. Omg Owl.. so right.. i felt so different.

i feel HEARD, i feel UNDERSTOOD... probably the first time in my life - ever, at least to this degree.

we started talking about anger.. and that guarded stuff i mention above.. and it opened up some of the deepest discussion we have had.. the concepts were dead on and i felt so comfortable with him, very deeply connected.

at some point he said (paraphrased badly) that i was never told or taught how to understand, identify or deal with feelings... that none of them make sense to me. YES! He used some weird example... but basically he said that i might feel something and i know i do, i know it does not feel good, but other than that i can't seem to differentiate. YES! He said a lot of anger is secondary to some other emotions... and he said that i just can't decipher those. YES YES YES! That's dead on. What i feel most often feels like a giant mush ball of something.. i just don't know what. i can tell somethings, sometimes.. like being afraid, sort of... but when i try to look at it, it doesn't make sense.

his example? ok.. this is so weird.. he said to imagine that you didn't understand what the need to pee meant... that you'd feel really uncomfortable and not be able to even explain what was wrong.. you might not even understand enough to be able to say something was wrong, you'd just think that was the same for everyone. And yeah... he admitted it was a weird example that starts to fall apart, but i got the idea really quick.

this was an AH HA day... i love insight.

thank you for the support guys... you guys help me so much