(((squid))) I know some of what you are feeling. I lost a 3 month old granddaughter that lived with me from birth until right before she died. I know how hard it is to not understand why they had to die. so many unanswered questions and what might have beens. it took me a long while to accept her death. it was only after that that the healing could begin. strange thing here. she died March 11, 1996. my daughter lost her last baby March 6 08. seems we have things in common. if you need to talk just let us know hon.