I did it. Well, sort of. I went in and was VERY dissociated and pretty much not speaking to him. But I knew that's not what I wanted, and I really tried to get present and be "myself". It was hard.

Finally, I laid down on his couch. Whenever I feel young and safe, I curl up on his couch and just let him take care of me. I could feel myself wanting to lay down, and finally I just gave in.

After that, everything totally changed. I was able to open up, and tell him how hard it's been to be present, how I feel like there is some angry, teenage part of myself that's been doing the cutting and I can't get her to stop. It occurred to me while I was laying there that maybe if I could hang onto young me, I could get teenage me to leave her the %#@&#! alone and stop cutting her.

He was pretty much like "WOW, you are SO SMART". He thought the whole thing was fine, even good, and seemed to completely understand where I was coming from. And he said he understood what was going on when I walked through the door and was so sullen and quiet - he said he was thinking to himself "she's being very adolescent". But I didn't feel judged at all, just accepted. And now I feel like I can explore and talk with him about it a little more and it will be okay.

He said that of course I would have all of these "me"s because of the experiences I had growing up. And that someday, we'd all be integrated, that's what therapy is for.

I still feel a little "out there" - like this is stuff I could only share on this board. But I'm glad to have someone to share with.

Thanks for listening