Just a quick update -

I DID go to my appointment today.

It started out as a really hard session. I did NOT want to let him in, and I think I sat and glared at him more than anything.

BUT - some little part of me knew that that was where I needed to be, and that he IS the person who can help me - so after a while, I tried to let him in a little.

And before I knew it - maybe halfway through the session, I was able to lay down on his couch and relax (which I only do when I'm feeling young and safe) and just BE there and share and let him take care of me. I never thought I would get to that point today - but I did.

At the end, I started feeling the "run!" urge come back a little and I told him I didn't want that over the weekend - I wanted to take the safe, cared for feeling with me. So he said, "what can we do?" and I said "Maybe you could tell me a story" - sort of half joking - but he replied "okay, what kind of story would you like?" I finally asked him to tell me the story of a piece of art on his wall - and he did, and it was actually a really good, really interesting story.

I still feel a little....tenuous? But I am trying to hold on to the safe feeling over the weekend.