You are stronger than you think--and you are proving it! I know about being tempted and wanting to do it, holding the blade in hand. For me, to be honest, my fave was a box cutter too. For a long time I actually slept with it in my hand under my pillow for my emotional security. Not for physical. It was like my emotional security blanket. Sometimes I would just hold it like that. That is just holding--not doing! You are using distraction techniques and that is very good! Proud of you for trying and working so hard at it!
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{cthomas}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}