I am sorry to bother you all again about this. I hate to be a broken record. I continue to have a deep-seated belief that I am seriously defective.

I went to a depression support meeting, and the people there tried to blame my losing teaching jobs on kids today. Other people suggest it is ageism. I have studied teaching techniques almost more than any teacher I know. Yet, students do not like me and write not just negative but very mean things on the evaluations. The evaluations always count toward hiring/rehiring. I am unemployed and I feel that I must never go into a classroom again, because there is something about me that is seriously defective.

I have no friends that I hang around with or call me. Only if I call first. I do not even want to try to make friends anymore, because it is just a chance for some new people to find out that I am defective.

I can "know" that I am perfect child of God -- but that does not make up for being rejected in the here and now.

Five years ago, my beloved left me for another woman. He immediately moved from my life into his new life. I have been ill, unemployed, lost my home and had to find homes for my beloved dogs.

I feel that I tried hard to build a new life, and I took the most hopeful attitude that I could under the circumstances. Each time I get another job, I think this is the one where I will be successful. Looking back, I don't feel that I've made progress. Everything that I loved and valued in my life ended five years ago, and nothing has replaced it. Every time I get some hope, it is followed by more loss.

Perhaps that is all that is left when we get older -- loss of parents, friends, health, jobs. I don't know.