[ Kinda a vent. Felt like getting this off my chest. Trigger warning. ]

Trying to be positive lately (well, today and yesterday ) but it gets really hard. I keep thinking of my brother, conflicted feelings from when I visited him.

I wanted to justify the abuse more. I wanted him to somehow say something so I could say, "okay, that's why it happened". No justification of course, and it makes it feel like it's my fault. That there's something wrong with me that makes so many people hurt me. All of them, none of them were at fault- it was somehow something wrong with me that compelled them all to hurt me? I feel so wrong and dirty and unmasculine (sorry if that's not a word) because of it.

I try to blame all of what they all did to me on me, and I blame what they did to other people on me. What he did to Vlad, what my dad did to my little brother, I don't even want to know who else was hurt at the hands of my abusers It hurts me so much to carry all the blame.

Just trying to be strong, trying to stay positive. I actually wrote up a "plan" for me to try and get myself on the right track (scared of posting it because I don't want people to laugh at it), I didn't spend too much time in hospital but just seeing Kate's reaction, thinking of the kids and the friends who are good to me, I don't want to lose them. I haven't had drugs since the incident that landed my in hospital (although I've been watched so I haven't had the option) but I guess that's a start, yeh?

It's just hard... testifying coming up, all this blame and not knowing what to do, the memory of Lapin in my head (little brother), the memory of Vlad and how Keith laughed at his death

Just needed to get that off my chest. Trying to be positive, trying to be strong. Someone whack me upside the head when I start being a whiner.