I find it simply amazing that I can get anything at all out of therapy. The reason for this is because of the complicated processing I go through..........

Often - and I mean more sessions than not-- I can't find the words to tell T how I feel or what I want him to know about me. I have moments between sessions where the lightbulb goes off and in my mind something becomes crystal clear and then in an instant it's gone. MY self definition just blurs at the edges. It's sort of feeling like I put all my thoughts in this funnel with my thinking at the top. The thinking is crowded and contains all these millions of thoughts about therapy, me, him, etc., etc., etc., Then I go to writing, in my journal, or sometimes here. This helps to clarify the thoughts.

The final step in this process is verbal -- what I say -- in session. And sometimes what I wrote doesn't even apply anymore OR I can't say anything until I begin to color. The coloring retrieves the thoughts that are buried deep and hiding underneath all those other things I thought and wrote.

Of course I just noticed I left out how I feel--typical for me as I'm too much in my head. I have been working on letting my feelings drive my understanding because I think it's in the body that all of this stuff is held there. The feeling state comes out in session.

Whew.