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Soliaree said:
I notice myself assertive my different fragments - such as anger, neediness, intellectual - and trying to get him to accept them.

For example, SI ing in his office was my neediness fragment asserting itself after he rejected it in session. I was unable to let this go and continue to be unable to do it because he held me accountable for my actions and was angry about it. This makes me feel that he is rejecting it which then makes me unable to integrate it.

Another example is when I wrote him the horrific angry letters, which was my anger fragment asserting, or aggressing, itself. It did make him angry and hurt, but he has written me a letter stating that he forgives me for this. I love the letter (transitional object) but I still am having difficulty because if he is forgiving me for showing my anger, it means (to me) that I was wrong. So, I can't let this go because I can't integrate it.

So, basically what I'm saying is that I am yet unable to integrate parts of myself until he fully accepts it, in thought and in feeling. I think that evolutionary-wise we are compelled to "master" the past by trying to have another attachment figure accept what the primary attachment figure rejected.

A lot of my behaviors escalate when I feel misunderstood.

Thanks for allowing me to intellectualize. This has helped me synthesize my thoughts.

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Hi Soliaree, good stuff! I agree so much. Can you explain this stuff to your T and tell him that you need to feel accepted by him on this stuff? I do think that this is what the T is for. Just my opinion but when your T gets angry I think that this is his stuff getting in the way? Your anger is yours and I don't think that he should feel the need to react to it? The same with your SI ing. You are using it as a coping mechanism and I think that it would be helpful to you if he could just get beyond it and see you instead of it? He must think that if he doesn't strongly disagree with your SI that you will think that he is saying that it is okay to do? I think that this is way off. What do you think?