Doctor's appointment

Well... i think they were both ok. I dissociated a bit.... but I lucked out - MD didn't ask to see my SI …*whew* - that is a first!!! She’s always made me show her and grabbed my arm to see better. I gave her the note that talked about the alter drinking and she asked if we still were. I told her this is day 2 (of not drinking) when really it is day 3 …ooops. Oh well – it was accepted and not questioned further. I also told her I had increased my Lexapro dose which was fine. (thanks to those who have been supporting me through all this!!!)

Housing
My housing situation is deteriorating quickly financially for several reasons but I am not allowed to post about them. I've been trying to get mom to see this reality for ages… However, in my eyes (as in my Dr’s) this could be a good thing.
Financially a decision has to be made by mom in the next 15 days (30 if she wants another late fee). I asked permission to talk about this situation with my MD and mom grudgingly let me. So the cat is out of the bag. I am trying to get her resources that she will need and I told her of the plan to move me. I honestly didn't think we'd get this far in the year with the housing thing. We were on borrowed time a year ago.

TELLING MOM
The plan – I wrote this out so I wouldn’t mess it up.
“MD and T have been talking for the past year about me moving out – of course, as all my t’s have – and have decided that this change can be a good thing for me and you.

They want me to move out because I have told them some about the house and how we live and they feel I cannot get healthy until I move out. Which we know to be true already.
So while I am getting resources for you I am also supposed to get resources for me and work with the housing advocate to move out. She knows all the ins and outs of the system and is a great resource. So she will be emailing me later today (tho I have not seen it yet at 6pm) with ways for you to proceed and my dr’s are all now working with her to help me proceed. Besides, you can get more help if I am not contributing.”
Then I figured that after this either the house will come crashing down around us in a MOMstorm or.... there will be deadly calm…
My housing advocate asked me today if i was safe to do this... hehe. I laughed and said safe was never an option.... it was just a matter of when because after this i will have to put up with mom nagging me all the time and trying to talk me out of it.

I did gather my courage – imagining I was crawling into Bene's armor. I had him with me all morning and held on to him at the osteopath’s again – REALLY helps the lil’s. Today was kinda triggering and scary at one point.

Anyway, after all was said, mom went into depression,,,, but i think we may just survive this. mom's totally changing her story now - saying we're not going to get evicted now… i never know where she stands - she said that my thinking that we would is ridiculous and that i should have never told anyone that... and went into the whole thing about what will happen to her if i move....so! at least my part is out - mom won't take action, like i knew.

She is in the titanic and has made me captain *sigh*.... batten down the hatches - hurricane a commin…man the port bows! i am remaining happy about it though which is new. Yay! Even tho all hell could break loose.

I think I get 2 gold stars for this!!

Again mom is going back with questions and changing more of the story - arugh - magic thinking r us. she totally thought i would fix this today - where's my cap'n hat? With a really big feather! i wore my pirate shirt today =) It has a sword on it and says "At World's End" on the sleeve. Lol More Power to me. mom doesn't want the help at all and is pissed that i am moving out. She keeps saying "I didn't mean for you to tell them we're going to be evicted in 30 days!!! Why would you say something like that?" “Because you told me to drill sergeant!”
i told her that all my MDs and Ts have talked about it and wanted me to move for the past 4 years and that we’ve established "I cannot heal unless I move out." sooooooooooooooo it wasn't too big a shock (for me).
She still thinks she's going to pay the house on 15 hours a week at $9 an hour
Oy - i've never seen the eyes that are looking at me.... from mom. i don't recognize them at all – they are wide and round with fear. Please someone tell me I did not betray this woman!!

On the upside, I finally got one of my really important mood supplements - tyrosine (spray) – and thankfully works quickly. Like this morning, I totally broke down crying in yoga.... cried through the whole class. But then I got the spray at 10:30 and took it and was fine in my next dr apt. Took the next dose at 12:30 and have been chipper and humming. And a durn good thing since I need to keep my wits about me when I got home. And at 4 hours later, mom is following me around from room to room. The former clinginess just got increased 10 fold. Hmmmmmmm who saw this coming??? Oh yeah – I did. If you are still with me – thanks for reading this VERY long post!!!
Kiya