I know this is all being triggered by my upcoming Berlin trip and my desire to drink while I'm there. I'm 99.9% certain that I won't drink but I still want to. This isn't a craving exactly, I've had those and rode them out. This is more conscious decision time. I know I want to drink and part of me thinks that there would be nothing wrong with having a few drinks, except I know that it could be the start of a very slippery slope back to places I don't want to go.

But I'm frankly angry that I can't enjoy a cold beer on a hot day or a nice glass of wine with a good dinner. I resent the fact that I'm an alocoholic (Guess I still have to work on acceptance). At the risk of sounding like a two year old. It's not fair. I have enough problems in my life with mental illness without adding addiction on top.

And this isn't rational. I know my life is a whole lot better sober. I remember how bad my life was towards the end of my drinking. I remember the awful withdrawls. I remember being barely able to string two sentences together. Now I'm doing things that would never be possible if I were still drinking. It's hard but I'm changing and growing. Why would I want to risk throwing it all away?

Sorry - just feeling cranky and sorry for myself and needed to vent.

--splitimage