Okay, you all are gonna have to bare with me as I try to muddle through this and actually get my thoughts out somewhat coherently.

I'm cycling BIG TIME!!! I'm in a "mixed state", barely functioning. I don't know how I'm here at work, I just know that I have to be (boss is out of town and I'm his link to the office and everything going on). I haven't slept in over 48 hours and the last several nights before that weren't exactly what I'd call "good" either. My eyeballs hurt so bad from lack of sleep, lack of REM, lack of rest. I lie in bed unable to keep them closed yet so exhausted I can't even think straight. Last night, out of nowhere, I started crying hysterically over my cat who died in July of this past year. I just started missing him so much. Anyway, I never left my apt this weekend, didn't accomplish anything, I can't keep still and yet my body aches with exhaustion. My nerves are shot, I've had a great deal of anxiety and panic...I'm not sure about what...seems like everything and yet nothing. It's obvious to all that I'm "not well" right now and yet I can see in everyones eyes that they don't know how to treat me...what to say...so they just keep away from me, which is probably for the best anyway....but I hate feeling like I have the bubonic plague or something. I'm just so full of pain and sadness and misery that I'm overwhelmed by it all. I can't see beyond it, I can't see behind it and I can't see around it. I "know" this is the chemical imbalance in my brain doing this to me...but in the midst of it all, it's small consolation, ya know? I'm scared. I feel so....gosh, I don't really know how I feel. I called my t and she asked me how I'm doing....I told her "I just don't know, I have no idea how I am". Can you guys understand that? I'm on a rollercoaster ride that won't stop and I can't get off and I feel so sick and worn out I'm screaming for it to stop but it only goes faster and faster...and you know what happens next....CRASH! BAM! BOOM! I'm so afraid of doing something stupid like I've always done in the past when it gets this bad...drugs, public breakdown, getting arrested, car accident...Oh God noooooo. And here comes the panic...talked myself right into that one didn't I?

Gosh, I'm totally babbling. But I just know some of you out there will understand. I really need some support right now from ppl who KNOW what I'm talking about...who've been here. I'm on the verge of completely freaking out! I know I must sound ridiculous and pathetic...please try to overlook that and see into my heart. I feel like I'm dieing here...and now comes the tears...
TgrsPurr.