SomeGirl,
hello and welcome....

I think I know what you are talking about....I went through a Major Depression in h.s. and college, and went through all the suicide attempts, hospitalizations, different meds and therapy. Finally I was diagnosed with S.A.D. and found that light therapy helped a great deal. I went off my meds, stopped therapy and I guess was considered 'fine'.

Even though I wasn't suicidal and totally depressed anymore, I still wasn't happy - I didn't like myself, I had no confidence, I didn't handle stress very well and I was sad most of the time...not depressed, but sad.

I think I finally really noticed a difference in all of this when I started becoming more focused on being healthy - I began exercising regularly and eating well, and stopped drinking so much. It took many many years, but eventually I realized that I was enjoying life. I can't pinpoint when because it was so gradual...it seemed to just happen without me even noticing.

I know everyone is different and has different experiences - but I just want to say hang in there. Try to stay positive and don't lose hope. Do the best you can to make positive changes in your life. You never know what is right around the corner, and I'm sure you're future is very bright even though you may not be able to see it yet.

It sounds like you have come a long way, and you may still have a little longer to go, but I feel sure you will eventually find enjoyment out of your life, a little at a time, and it will be so gradual you won't even notice it's happening.

best,
ktgirl