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Silversparrow said:
I have such a perfected mask for the public, happy carefree laughing, if only I could really feel that way with out it being a lie, those feelings are so distant..

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If you can get into therapy you can work through these things, learn what you haven't yet, etc. and then throw away that mask and it will no longer be a lie

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Silversparrow said:
I'm just so lost, I use to have a map but I lost it somewhere I had all the answers at onepoint, I was better all on my own, what happend??

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You didn't have all the answers. You had yourself under control but you weren't healed. It is much easier to heal and then you don't have to keep that iron control in order to function. You cannot sit on top of a volcano and worry everyday if it is going to erupt.