I had a rather interesting T session today.

We got talking about my self injury again (3 months tomorrow!!) and I told him that - even though I know that I am doing this for Phil - I can feel that sometime in the future, i'll eventually realise that Im doing it for myself aswell. I know thats not quite the case now, if I ever lost Phil in the present, I know that I'd relapse, but I just know there will be a day when I will be able to do this on my own.

I told T that it seems different now, like my point of view has changed about it all. Now, instead of feeling the need to punish myself, to hurt myself and to damage my body, (which, well, is a big step for me anyway) but its more having the marks and the scars that I feel the need to have.

I told him that when I look into the future, and I see myself with no scars and not self harming, I panic. The first thought that comes into my head is 'No. That cant happen.' I know I want to be SI free, but there is a huge part of me that doesnt want to stop this.

When I see that my scars are fading, I get scared. The more they fade, the more I want them there... almost of I NEED them there.

I mentioned that I felt protected by them, like they are my source of comfort and that if they weren't there I would feel as if I'd lost a part of me, like a part of me was missing.

I am scared. They are fading. They really are. But if I want to get better, I have to accept this. I have to accept that they are going to go. I have a huge part of me that thinks that its just plain not acceptable, that it cant happen, I need to be covered in marks and scars and bruises.

Its hard. Trying not to give into urges is one thing, but trying to accept the fact that it will no longer be with me, that I havent got it to fall back on is another thing.

Why is it so hard?

babyg - x