Yesterday's session was surprisingly difficult. I had not placed even one call since last week and didn't even leave any messages for him like I usually do. I am protecting myself from his impending vacation. Beyond the extraordinary pain, anguish etc. that we all go through with T's absence, I am trying to sort out exactly what comes up for me when I think of his vacation.

In session I had a hard time talking at all. I was very stuck in my head and there were huge--absolutely huge--chunks of silence. There was so much swirling in my head that I felt like if I spoke I would be blurting out seemingly random words and phrases.

I was very up front about what I was experiencing. I told him that I was worried about his vacation and preferred just not to to deal with it at all. I wished I could just not go to therapy now (even though I have three more sessions until his vacation) until he comes back in september. In this way I can protect myself from the hurt, the rejection, the abandonment.

T said that although the breaks are difficult and interrupt the flow of things, that they present opportunities as well. And naturally, I'm like, for what? He said that instead of avoiding that maybe it would be a good idea to explore what comes up for me regarding his vacation.

He asked if I had any fantasies about his vacation--whether I thought about it at all. I told the truth--that is NO, he is just gone. He said that it might be better if I allowed myself to miss him first of all and then if I try to hold onto the relationship while he was gone. Arghhh, I know he's probably right but I simply cannot last 3 weeks between appts.

The me who is inside is accustomed to beginning again, and it is she who is at the forefront right now. But the feeling me is fighting for control.

I wish I could tell him how I really feel--that I feel completely abandoned when he goes away; that for the first time in my life I feel like someone listens to me. That I wish he cared about me the way I care about him.

Lyrics from Ingrid Michaelson: (great song)

There's a corner of your heart for me.
There's a corner of your heart just for me.
I will pack my bags just to stay in the corner of your heart.
Just to stay in the corner of your heart.