MC, Yes the very first summer vaction away from T back on 05 T asked me what I was going to do? I said, just wipe you out in my mind. Then in 06 I said I'm going to do something special on the days that I would have had T, then in 07 I said I'm gonna have to think about you...but none of these things appeared to help me....then today the 08 break? well I do feel different, the missing her doesn't change, but theres something rather odd going on for me too. I am not desperate to try and replace what I am missing with anything else or anyone else, theres a sort of wierd calm about it all...I feel very sure of who I am inside, something that I always feared I had loss when T isn't around,...I guess thats what I always feared the most, that without T I cease to exist at all. I remember the first yr when T said to me that I feel she is taking something away from me when she goes? and I think its only now that I understand that statement...everywhere I look at the moment I see me and T and everything I do at the moment I feel I do through T if that makes sense, this is the first time I still feel her withiin me...perhaps as a baby when I was abandoned I hadn't had enought time to learn to contain enought of my birth mother within me, that part of our being that we do need...the soul that is passed on from one being to another...I think that must have been awful to have been abandoned with nothing inside and not enought memory to hold onto.....I think no matter how hard therapy is and how much we think we are not moving forward, we are...I mean theres no way I could have planned for me to feel like this this time...its like the pieces are falling into place and every tear, scream, suicidle thought, feelings of aloneness and heartache we experience in T are all part of the process...yes allow your self to miss him but dont try to do it so perfectly either because what is supposed to be will be at the end of the day!...I keep walking around with this silly smile on my face because I suddenly feel grateful for what T has given me..the ablity to have a healthy relationship with another and the ablity to stand on my own 2 feet as well!...