Hello JungleAnimal
It sounds like your perception of yourself may be distorted....

I'm sorry you are struggling...I'm not recovering (yet) but I imagine it must be really hard to have to gain weight back. Have you been talking to your doctor or therapist about how triggered you are feeling?

Try to hold on....think about all the hard work and progress you've made in recovery. Don't give up...I'm sure it will get easier eventually and things will get better for you.
And keep posting if it helps.
take care,
ktgirl