Im in a shell of nothing but pain. Im so tired of this depression and anger and crying. Just feel like banging my head and fists into the wall and cutting. The urges are there and they are not going away, i spoke with my t this morning. I had an appt with him yesterday afternoon and i did go to it but all he did was right down the things that i say he really didnt do much other than tell me to find other ways to cope instead of cutting- thats not really what a cutter of 20 years can just stop like that. who cares anyway what i do, its evident he doesnt care then again maybe he does but maybe im just a freaking weird *** case - which yea it seems like nothing helps my depression and i just make my depressed as people say so who %#@&#! cares, i really dont..sorry for my ranting im just really upset that i can not get out of this loom of depression. all i want to do is just disappear not like anyone will really notice- so maybe i will just disappear. im not eating hardly at all im that depressed i dont want to get out of bed to come to work, it takes me like 1hr to just get in the shower each morning. life in general is just too much at times- no thats not a threat of killing myself- im not to that point and ive told my t about my thoughts and feelings and he just nods his head like im just another number in his %#@&#! book of mental cases- my moods are so drastic today i go from being depressed to bawling my eyes out- this started with me being angry and depressed to now im in tears and im hurting so bad- why me why do i have to deal with all this pain- why me what did i do to deserve this pain maybe i did really deserve this maybe they were right i deserved everything that was done to me and everything that i do to myself- i hate myself for being like this why why why im sorry for taking everyones time reading this im just venting i have so much i want to say but im just not strong enough anymore.