Quote:
|
When i walk into a room it's like a shatering earthquake has disrupted whatever was going on until that moment. I hate it when this happens but it always does. It's like i bring a heavy and suffacating tension into the room. People always seem uncomfortable and either they leave or i can't take it any longer and i have to leave. What does this mean. I'm bad at conversation so unless i have something specific to say it's always awkward and uncomfortable with whoever enters my bubble, even if i don't know them....especially if i don't know them. Someone fix me please...
|
Hi Jayl,
This is one of my worst triggers of all time, and it's good to face up to it and share it.
In my case the room was in my childhood home and the people were my birth family. Sometimes I would walk into the living room unexpectedly and I would see them quickly stop talking.
I wondered about paranoia, but deep down I knew they were talking about me, and that it wasn't good. Years later, at my mother's funeral, a distant cousin told me the truth, just straight out.
She said, "Your mother and father didn't know you at all. Your brother is a sweetie, but you were always the moody and estranged one."
I couldn't believe that I was hearing this from a cousin, obviously the whole family had been in on my story, all except me! I knew that I had never been easily included within my birth family, but I had pretended to myself that it wasn't so bad. Of course, it all fell into place talking to the cousin, and my painful childhood experiences made sense.
Sometimes, if you feel alienated from your family, it's a delusion of illness, and sometimes it's just plain real.
One more thing, if you folks can handle the pain. About a year before my mother died, I visited her in the family home, about 100 miles from where I live. Things seemed more than usually uncomfortable, and the house was very tidy, and she had got rid of her dog. After a couple of days I asked her about this and she told me that she was moving away in the next couple of days to live with my brother. It was all arranged and they hadn't told me!!! Two days later and I might have turned up at an empty house.
I said that it was OK, but of course I was dying inside. I only saw my mother one more time after this. She was in a care home. In her bedroom there were pictures of my brother and his family, but no pictures of me.
That's maybe five years ago and I have had no contact from any of the remaining birth family since then, and I guess I never will.
My friends and my own little family tell me that I'm a kind and caring person. I get on fine with my wife's family.
I've had some counselling but never shared this stuff before, I just couldn't get it out. I often hide behind being intellectual but this stuff is just pain, icy cold pain.
Thanks Jayl, for prompting this shift for me. I know it's not much help to you just now, but your thread (and the safety of psych central) has allowed this stuff to come out.
Cheers, Myzen.