When I got to session I was five minutes late or so. I came in and was talking about something ELSE--telling him about my day and how good I felt. T pointed out that I have been late the last couple of sessions. I said I was sorry, but I have been coming from a different location and I just didn't allow enough time. He said that our behaviors are often a portal to the unconscious. I was laughing, sort of nervously. I said that today I made native American rattles at camp with the kids and if I had mine I would shake it at him and he would think there was a rattlesnake in the room. Of course by now, he's just giving me "that look." I go, "Okay, I already told you that I am avoiding dealing with your vacation!."

Whew--the session just took off from there. We talked about how I felt when I think of him going away. I told him that I can feel it in my body--my heart races a bit. He said that he believed that I have difficulty allowing myself to love him--that I don't know how. He said that loving relationships are a basic necessity of life. I told him that I was very crabby yesterday (the day between sessions) and that I felt like I was completely out of my body all day. He said that I dissociated so much as a child to avoid the painful stuff. (blah blah blah)

We talked about all the feelings of shame that come up for me in the context of my feelings for him.

He said I would benefit from doing some basic grounding exercises to help me stay on the earth. He recommended qi gong (sp?). He stood up and asked me to stand as well and he taught me a qi gong grounding exercise. We stood for about a minute or two facing each other. It was pretty amazing and I felt completely grounded--In fact, so much that I was a regular blabbermouth the rest of the session.

I told him that I was afraid that I would think I had to re-invent myself again while he was gone. I said that I had done that so many times in my life and I just refused to do it again. But I also pointed out that I cannot hold onto him or the relationship longer than five days, a week at most. We talked about how I don't fantasize about his vacation--he's just gone! He said, "Now you see me, now you don't." I told him that it felt like a very young part of me and he said it must be. We talked about my mother's abandonment (blah blah blah).

Sigh. I love my therapy.