Yes, I wanted to see what I was like after 10 years of meds. What was underneath there? What could I do about it if I knew, and how could I do something if I didn't know?
I was at the point I couldn't cry and felt like a 'good cry' would make me feel better. It concerned me that I couldn't cry and hadn't even realized it.

So I went off the AD and the Neurontin and later chose therapy instead.

I realize now that the meds were making me emotionally flat. That might have been a good thing at one point, a way to feel better and function, but I wondered if I could find other ways. Many ways of doing things, after all, I thought.

I now use an occasional Xanax but take no med on a regular basis and nothing that zaps my brain. I don't take it every day or sometimes even every week; I've rarely finished a prescription before it was time to renew. I have a drug history that I am upfront about with all my doctors. My doctor trusted me as I am older now although he said he would monitor the usage and would not prescribe it again if I misused it. Sometimes, for panic/anxiety, it is just knowing I have it with me that' helps and I don't even have to take it. Other times I take a bit, a quarter or an eighth of a .5mg.

I'm learning to deal with all the emotions I hadn't learned to regulate. I'm glad to be getting the chance to learn that--a missed life lesson.