I have a distinct memory of the first time I felt that I was different from everybody else. I learned to read very early on. When I was in kindergarten, my teacher had some extra work to do, so she asked me to read a book to the class. I remember feeling strange, like I had been separated from the rest of the class.

Throughout my childhood, I always felt different. I thought about stuff that other kids probably didn't think about (death, existence, etc.) and was always called "the smart one" or "the serious one." I always felt an intense separation from kids my age and even family members.

This continued into adulthood. I never felt completely connected to anyone. It got much worse when I started struggling with mental illness because besides feeling detached or separate from others, now I was "sick" as well.

I noticed that with T, the feeling of separation doesn't exist. I feel like I can be myself with him-- any part of myself. He seems to appreciate even the quirkiest, strangest parts of my personality. He is the only person who has ever taken the time to understand and appreciate my "gift" for seeing emotions and music through colors and shapes.

Yesterday in marriage therapy, as H and the therapist were talking (I can't call her 'T,' lol.... MY T is T, not her) I began to feel as though I should be wearing a big sign that says "SICK" and he should be wearing a big sign that says "HEALTHY."

I am going to bring this up next week because it was the very end of the session. It was a big realization for me because seeing as though it happened in the therapy room, it makes me wonder how much it happens in my relationship outside of therapy-- not just in my marriage, but in all cases.

How much do I carry around the "sick" label? How does that affect my interactions? In my marriage, why do I feel that imbalance so strongly? Is it my perception? Does H perpetuate it?

And I never feel it with T. I think that's why I want to be around him all the time. I think it is a huge part of the erotic feelings. Why wouldn't I want to experience that feeling of belonging all the time?