Troy,

This is my first post here. I've recently become acquainted with someone who's been through combat and wanted to get a better understanding of what he might be dealing with and what I can do to help (or to at least avoid making it harder for him).

I've really appreciated reading your posts, Troy, particularly. Some give me bits of understanding about my friend, and some, surprisingly, have given me insight into some of my own childhood experiences... and the feelings/responses I have to certain situations. I'll try to comment on those later in those threads. Mostly, I am amazed at your strength in getting through all you have and then, even after all that, still attempting (and succeeding) in reaching out to people.

For now, I wanted to comment on this topic. I don't know what the solution is.

I just wanted to share some of my own experiences and offer you some encouragement.

As a kid, I was frequently bothered by the feeling that most people interact - give greetings, ask how you are, give hugs, and even say "I love you" without really meaning it. Neither do they particularly seem to care about what the response is. My perception of this has changed lately. I suspect that (1) people do a lot of those things as a sort of "intro" or "filler" between having more meaningful interactions - they're not really mean to be a big deal but they might enable a closer connection should the opportunity arise (2) I am the one who has little or no feeling about those things but some of the people doing them really DO mean them. Some of my family members do feel affection/warmth when hugging - or at least genuinely care even if they aren't feeling it at that particular moment. I couldn't understand it because I didn't always share that feeling - don't understand it. I suspect I don't get attached to people very easily or am, in some way, keeping them at arm's length emotionally.

I also noticed that while many people seem to have friends that they invite out for a drink or to their homes, I was rarely one of them. This has changed lately to an extent as well.

I don't know what one event triggered it. It seemed to happen gradually in different ways. For example, I had contact with a guy who routinely asked me how I was. I answered truthfully - ok. He asked "Not good?" And before I knew it we were chatting about all kinds of interesting things... some personal for me and others just relaxed and fun. Although I don't hear from him often anymore, due to our work being in different regions, I still occasionally get a call from him and we still share a certain connection.

I also made a concentrated effort to join a social group - a non-denominational church - and get involved and try different things. At first, it didn't seem any different from any other attempts I'd made at getting the hang of social situations - of making 'friends'.

However, one workshop involved a lot of writing and also breaking up into groups and talking about some things that were a bit personal. I found myself hearing a lot of things and sharing a lot of things - a lot of things I thought I was "alone" in and found out that I wasn't... and I guess some of what I said must have resonated with them as well. I attended a few other smaller group activities and found those to be good ways of connecting as well.

I never have liked large gatherings although it's not just that people seem uninterested in me. I frequently find myself utterly bored with the sorts of conversations people have in that situation. I don't have a lot of patience for "small talk" and prefer one on one, deeper conversations with real meaning to them. It's hard to find people to do that with, though, without dealing with some gatherings now and then to find them.

One simple thing I realized was that I don't tend to do a lot to encourage people to talk to me or invite me to do things with them. Neither was I ever in the habit of inviting people for lunch or to my house. I've made more effort at that over the last few years, and I've started to have deeper relationships that way.

I find it much easier to connect to people online - it's easier to find people who share similar interests or problems and want to talk about them together. I don't find it quite as satisfying as I found having a best friend (my now ex husband), but it still helps a lot...

I'd encourage you to not give up. It may, indeed, be something in your way of approaching people. At least, I suspect that's the case with myself and am not surprised that there are others who share that experience. I suspect they are things that can be learned though or changed. In fact, I'm thinking of seeking some counseling or perhaps coaching on it.. for my own sake.

Well, I hope this wasn't too long-winded or TMI.

Take care,
Numani